So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We had sex on a dog bed..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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