"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
