i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
