i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
