So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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