My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
