I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
