Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
