no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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