I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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