Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
