I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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