Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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