ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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