U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i think i just lost a toe
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
