Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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