Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize