I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
