there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
