I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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