i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize