come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I want is dick and wine.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
