my mouth tastes like poor choices
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
