Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
