im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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