I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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