girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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