I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
