the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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