Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
