She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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