i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
