Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
