mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
