I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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