the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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