I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
