Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
