Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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