Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't deserve a penis
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize