My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
