Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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