You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
