Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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