so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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