I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my being single is dangerous.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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