Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
