I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Less talking, more tequila
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
