You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
