yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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