this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
