I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
