So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
