She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
