yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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