I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
