Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just puked most of my soul out..
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