U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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