You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize