he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
