For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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